Most Haunted: Middleton Hall Recap

I didn’t recap the last episode because, well, it was piss poor. I wasn’t prepared to waste my time writing it or your time reading it. Although I think I am the only person who watches it anyway.This week does look like it has promise though. All the teasers proclaim that ‘Yvette is scared to her core’. Actually Yvette is scared of her own shadow so there’s probably nothing in this episode either.

I am being unfair to Yvette, I do think she has balls, because we know she is shitting herself but is still prepared to do the show (£££££) and sometimes goes off on her own (allegedly) However in the back of my mind is always the fact that Yvette is an actress; anybody else remember Seaview? And I CANNOT STAND the screaming, it’s been 14 years you would think she was over it.

The one thing you can say about Most Haunted is that it does have the best locations and this week is no exception. They are at Middleton Hall and it is stunning.   The building dates back to 1285 but the land and its first residence are mentioned in the Domesday Book. It was an important residence as the family was a standard barer (for readers outside the UK think Game of Thrones; House Lannister and their banner men) and it has had many famous visitors including Elizabeth I who stayed for a week in 1575


Here’s a list of the supposed ghosts:

  • A grey lady – yes another!
  • A spirit that likes to pull hair, Yvette suggests sending BALD chuckle brother No 1 Stuart to do a lone vigil. Makes sense, send baldilocks to a hair pulling ghost, or maybe Yvette is just being sarcastic, we will have to see.
  • Kitchen – poltergeist
  • Scarlet lady

An eye witness, Chris the music teacher, was playing his own composition on the piano when he saw a black shadow, he carried on playing and when he looked again the shadow had gone (your music was shit mate)  He has heard a dog barking and horses trotting! Dogs and horses in the country!!! STOP THE PRESS!

Oh now Fred is on blah blah demon blah scarlet lady blah blah fell down stairs blah blah.

They move to the kitchen which is cold. Yvette wonders if the sprits are just residual but NO! Fred says the place goes back to the Doomsday Book (already said that Fred) and so that means………..Witches!!! Oh I hope so, I love me a witch Hubble bubble etc

There is a pestle and mortar on the table, Fred says they used this to mix their spells. Or maybe, as it is a kitchen Fred, spices? Herbs?   I aint listening to anymore of Fred because….full of shit.

Sceptic guy (Glen) throws in his 2 bobs worth. Yvette says that someone has seen the grey lady that day, Glen points out the obvious, it’s an open house, and maybe it was Joan on a day trip from Margate. (Well he never said that but it was the same jist)

And off we go.

The Investigation

They start in the library (miss scarlet with the dagger, can you tell I am bored?) Oh hang on Yvette has seen something; a person walking across the hall, she SAW it I tell you. Yvette is doing an impression of a fish, close your mouth Yvette you will catch flies. Yvette calls out and fuck me backwards they tap! What is with English ghosts, they are all experts in Morse bloody code. You don’t get that on Ghost adventures they proper bang things over in America.  The ghost was wearing shoes and they were cream coloured. Fashion.

They sit at the table and something growls in Yvette’s ear. Fred is cold. Yvette calls out and they start the table tipping thing. They ask question and low and behold the table moves. Of course we can’t see it. Yvette asks all the spirits in the house to move the table. I should point out it is a massive wooden Jacobean looking table – that table aint going anywhere even with a good kick from Karl.   They are all now feeling cold and Yvette sees some thing pass the door. Fred does a bit of Latin. Something hits Karl and Stuart says ‘it weren’t me gov!’ although he is stood right behind him. Pfffft.

They spilt up and Yvette and the Chuckle Brothers are in the kitchen. They call out and ask for a sound. They can hear something and they think something is walking towards them. There is a cold spot in front of them and Yvette thinks it has blown at her, it moves behind her and Karl. Yvette asks for something to be moved, Yvette jumps and she heard something blowing in her ear. There is a noise and they think it is something being dragged. There is a really loud noise and surprise surprise off camera the pestle is thrown across the kitchen when BOTH Stuart and Karl are also off camera. I wish these 2 would just cut it out, I know they have to produce the goods but it pisses me off.

Yvette joins Eamon to do an EVP session: they capture a voice, they can’t tell what its saying – I think its saying ‘I want a tissue’ or Mogadishu…ahem.  They ask for a name and they think it says ‘Louise’

Chuckle Brothers: I’m not recapping this because I don’t believe any of it and they just make a mockery of it all and I am My Chihuahua just farted in her sleep, that’s more paranormal than any of this shit. I will watch and if anything does actually happen, ill let you know. Guess what? Something moves OFF CAMERA. Stuart is the worst actor ever and all is ohhhhh am scared aint cutting it with me. They go for a cup of tea.

Fred and Beardy Bloke are in the bedroom. Glen the sceptic sees a movement. The replay shows a squiggly light anomaly. Fred thinks Elizabeth I is there and is going to speak to him – get a grip Fred.

They have set up some trigger objects and this is interesting; there is a cross with 4 K2s around it. The cross starts shaking and the K2s flash; the locked off camera is on the cross only and not a long shot so they can’t validate that the chuckle brothers weren’t there moving it and setting off the devices.   And that’s the end.

Some of you may think I am unkind to the Most Haunted lot. Yes I am. I will tell you why.

This was the first paranormal show I ever watched. I was invested in it. I believed everything because I really thought they were investigating and not taking the piss. These were the days before streaming and I spent a fortune on DVDs etc because I loved it and to be honest, there was no other show like it. I even believed Derek Acorah. Then things started getting silly with Derek, every week he was possessed. Kieran O’Keefe (my hero) the resident parapsychologist set up Derek and he was soon asked to leave the show.

David Wells, who had joined up to do the psychic walk through with Derek took over the whole psychic bit and he was GOOD. But then the chuckle brothers started dicking about and it not only pissed me off but allegedly David too and off he went, later so did Kieran. Karl and Stuart AKA the Chuckle Brothers ruined the show and Living TV cancelled it. I was not arsed, I had stopped watching and I had discovered good shows like GHI and Ghost Adventures which actually did things properly (to a degree) and had all the whizzy bang stuff.

Then I heard Most Haunted was coming back and I was actually excited, I had missed MH after all. I naively thought that with all the shows that had been on they would have learned and invested in some proper gear etc. They have gotten rid of the ‘psychic’ but have brought along Fred, who I should point out was the home owner in a property they investigated a few years ago and he thinks he is a reincarnation of a member of the Knights Templar – enough said.

The EVP is done on a laptop and they don’t really use any whizzy bang stuff but rely on tapping! FFS! Tapping! The sceptic is her mate off the radio and his only qualification is that he is a sceptic.

I take offence to this show I really do, some may say well don’t bloody watch it then but I can’t help it, paranormal shows are like my crack and I need my fix. But with all the locations that are in the UK that have real paranormal activity, captured by real paranormal investigators, this show makes us look a laughing stock.

Thank god Nick Groff has been over for his Halloween special; we might get some decent English paranormal activity on the telly.





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